sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
