just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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