I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
