i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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