wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
