"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
