I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
