Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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