i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
