Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
