I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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