now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
