I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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