Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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