i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
