Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
