please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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