I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
