this just has baby written all over it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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