I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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