Someone shit on the floor
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
