so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
