On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
