A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
