Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish I only lived at night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
