Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
