Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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