So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i now understand why vodka
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up under a house in Key West
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
