I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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