whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
