She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
