I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
