Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
