u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
