I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You need Xanax blowdarts
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
