Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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