my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
being pregnant is like rehab
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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