I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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