Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
