You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
