I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
