dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
