your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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