I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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