When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
