Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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