you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
