i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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