Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
