totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
