Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
