Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
